The Sticky Web of Conflict
Resolution
By David Drury
Just the sight of the words “conflict resolution” can give
some people sweaty palms and light-headedness. Few people wake up in the
morning hoping to experience conflict on that day (and you’d have to wonder if
they do). My research leads me to believe that there are three types of
people on the below spectrum when it comes to conflict:
<----A -----------------------------B-----------------------------C----->
A. Those that avoid conflict (most of us fall in this category)
B. Those that run away from conflict with great amounts of energy
C. Those that would rather die by being burned at the stake than to experience conflict.
On a more serious note, I take to heart Max Lucado’s wonderful saying, “Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.” Conflict is a fact of life, and can be harnessed for good. But it is a sticky web. Many of us have witnessed a conflict that turned ugly. Some of us have relatives that will not speak to one another. There are even a few of us that must literally leave a room if a “certain somebody” walks in. With all of this stickiness it takes spider-like agility to crawl into the middle of it and loose the web. But when we take that risk, we often find that resolving conflicts well enhances our teamwork, communication and community. When we don’t take that risk and instead let conflict fester into full-on combat, it results in division, mis-communication and frustration. For us all, we know that conflicts happen, so we might as well learn to resolve them well.
We often buy into subconscious myths about conflict. We begin to believe that “we’re just not good
at that” and that others should deal with conflict while it’s “our job” to
smooth things over. We also just blow
people off, assuming they cannot change no matter the effort. We discount God’s ability to transform hearts
when we do this. The myth that conflict is the source of all our
problems needs to be challenged. People are the source of all our
problems. It’s how we manage conflict with them that is the
solution to the problem.
Let’s start at the root.
What kinds of things cause conflicts with people? Offensive actions often times start
conflicts. Someone does something they
don’t know to be offensive to us—and we harbor an inner conflict towards them
because of it. Relational awkwardness
can be a difficulty as well. Some people
just have an awkward relationship with us for some reason. Because of the awkwardness we begin to read
between the lines and assume a conflict when there isn’t even a real one. We invent conflict out of thin air (such is
the sticky web of working with people.)
Sometimes we have a general disconnect or distrust of certain
individuals. We don’t “get” them or
their behavior, so we start to question their motives. We stop giving them slack and start assuming
the worst. Sometimes criticism that is more harsh can begin a conflict. Uncaring comments at an inopportune or
sensitive time in life (such as when you just broke up with a boyfriend or if
your grandmother died) can cause conflict.
Even inadvertent sin can cause conflict—sin that has consequences on
other people. And from time to time
conflict can be from directed hostility.
The other sources of conflict above can often be solved by a simple
reconnecting conversation. But when
someone is really “out to get you” others need to get involved, as the “two or
more” Matthew 18 conflict resolution teaching
instructs us.
Regardless of how
the conflict begins, we all have an internal conflict sensor. We know when we or others are in
conflict. So is important to be honest
that there is a sense of conflict,
and to be precise in what is causing it.
Otherwise, we are not being honest with ourselves or getting at the true
root of the issue.
All effective conflict resolution begins with this concession
that there is conflict and then moves to an assessment of the true source. Without that second step conflict resolution
can take place that doesn’t really resolve the underlying problem. Surface issues are cleaned up—but beneath the
sewer stinketh!
But the third step in this process is a simple matter of
conversations. Having a conversation
with the person you are in conflict with is the key. These conversations do not happen enough. Often times we know we should talk—but we don’t
know how to bring it up. The conflict is
the elephant in the room no one points to.
So here are some helpful phrases to “get the conversation started” on
the conflict. Once it’s started half the
battle is over:
“Are
we okay with each other?” – This is a great way to start the conversation
because it resolves smaller conflicts before they fester.
“I
think I might have gone too far in what I said…” – This partial apology helps
you admit you may have said something that caused conflict. It builds a bridge.
“I
think we need to go the final 10% with you on this.” – This is a way to admit
that there are deeper issues (the sewer) beneath that need to be addressed.
“You
said something I need you to help me understand better.” – Instead of attacking
what they said, you enlist them to help you understand them.
“I
don’t know if I said things right—could I clarify what I meant?” – Again a
helpful phrase to clarify on your end.
You’re offering your help in their understanding of you.
“Could
we get 10 minutes to talk about something today?” – By pseudo-scheduling the
conversation it is more likely to take place.
“I
don’t think you meant it this way, but I heard you say…” – This helps them to
see your interpretation and feelings related to what they’ve said.
“I
trust your judgment, but you did something that I was having some trouble
with.” – Questioning behavior rather than motives.
“You
probably didn’t realize it at all, but when you did/said _________ it hurt.” –
It’s important to not assume they meant to hurt you, but that it indeed did
hurt.
“Is
there something I’m doing that is causing a little division between us?” –
Sometimes we sense this but don’t know what it’s coming from. This can unearth it.
Using these and other conflict resolution conversation
starters can get the ball rolling in managing conflict rather than allowing it
to turn into full-scale combat.
© 2006 by David Drury
Publishing information:
To inquire about publishing this or other copyrighted
articles and columns
in your publication simply contact
David Drury at [email protected]
All rights reserved
David Drury
Bio