Having received my thousandth e-mail announcing the Second Coming as March 10th., 1997, it is time I wrote back. What is it about the web which inspires people to figure out the complicated formulas proving that William Jefferson Clinton combined with Hillary Rodham Clinton total 666? Then they are inspired by some spirit to send their inside information to umpteen million people in a Pssssst -- read this style. The latest tells me the Prince of Wales is indeed the Antichrist, meeting 27 of the 42 signs that are possible to meet yet.

As a veteran of the evangelists who unfolded intricately painted canvas time maps across the front of little churches, and, more recent fads like *88 Reasons Christ will return in 1988*, I take a dim view of these date-setters. They clutter up my mailbox and waste my time which could be used to write to real people about real problems.

So, I've decided to write a response that my mail system can send automatically to these dear hearts. Here it is.

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Bless you for sending e-mail about religious matters, but I won't be reading your letter. I don't read end-times or date-setting e-mails. Here's why:

1. I think you EndTimers have too much time on your hands.

Maybe I'm wrong about this, but I feel that you are wasting time that should be spent elsewhere. Instead of speculating about the date of the second coming, I wish you'd volunteer to teach a Junior Sunday school class, or work in a mission, or sign up for nursery duty. It's not that I can tell you how to spend your time. I can't. I waste time too (such as in writing a weekly column or this reply to you.) It's just that, of all the people I know who dwell on this subject, most are dreamer-speculators who do little of the actual work of the church. They'd rather figure out numerological puzzles than shovel snow or clean up the fellowship hall. So, I didn't read your conjectures -- I'll be preparing my Sunday school lesson, or doing something else more constructive.

2. Endtiming is not evangelistic.

You claim to enhance evangelism, I know. Your idea is that I should start telling people that Jesus will return March 10th, and they'll get scared enough to become Christians. Or that knowing the date is close, I will be motivated to act right. But it won't work. Not really. And, even if some are saved they'll likely wind up being like the shallow-soil conversions which fizzle later (especially by March 11th, if He does not return on the 10th.) The whole idea is like the fellow cheating on his wife being told -- She's gonna walk through that door in three hours! Would this change anything? HA! Most cheaters would figure out they had two hours and forty-five minutes to play around. Sinners too. Knowing the date of the Second Coming does not change immediate behavior for the better. Frankly, if the unsaved won't listen now, they wouldn't listen even if one rose from the de