When you're spiritually ahead or behind your husband

By Sharon Drury

Two unique challenges often occur in ministry marriages. One involves those who feel way behind their husband spiritually. The other is about those who feel way ahead.

Now, some of you haven't been dealing with this at all, and feel you and your husband are both growing about equally in the Lord. You need to read on in order to help other women who are right in your church, or some friend in your area of the country.

What's the solution? Does the gal with the spiritual inferiority complex give up? Should a wife ever slow down in her spiritual walk in order to keep balanced with her husband?

I do not write out of personal naivete' in this area. At different seasons in my life, I have felt spiritually inferior or superior to my husband. Sometimes I would either wallow in self-pity or pride. Other times I would suppress such feelings with thinking our spiritual pace didn't matter. I realized, however, that there are at least two places in Scripture that infer differing spiritual stages of believers: "In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's Word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil." Hebrews 5:12-14

"I write to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name. I write to you, fathers, because you have known him who is from the beginning. I write to you, young men, because you have overcome the evil one. I write to you, dear children, because you have known him who is from the beginning. I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God lives in you, and you have overcome the evil one." 1 John 2:12-14

Here are some bits of advice for both categories.

WHEN YOU'RE AHEAD

So you feel like the disciplined one in your marriage and really get rather upset at your husband's lack of desire to want to change? He seems lazy, erratic, and perhaps continues some private practice you feel is sin. You may identify with the pastor's wife who said, "Even though he is great in the pulpit on Sunday, I have to remind my husband to visit people through the week. I always have to initiate anything spiritual at home and I'm beginning to lose confidence in him." The following advice can help you:

1. Don't give up.

Men go through seasons of life too, and he may be dealing with more stress about his personal career problems than he lets on. Unless he is schizophrenic and has lost contact with reality, don't leave him or threaten drastic action. He needs you to be strong in your support.

2. Keep your mouth shut.

1 Peter 3:1&2 can also apply to wives of husbands, including ministers, who may not be fully obedient to the Word. He will not grow spiritually because you tell him to, anyway. The next time you're tempted to bring this area up (to him or to others), pray privately instead of complaining verbally. Then pretend you weren't praying (c.f. Matthew. 6:1-18).

3. Don't judge.

Maybe it's a "speck of sawdust" in your husband's life and you are overlooking a whole "plank" in your own life. Don't judge by your own standards because they, of course, are faulty. One partner may feel having devotions is the ultimate spiritual thermometer, and the other is convinced that building relationships and bearing fruit are the ultimate test. Christ's words about judging others were harsh (Matthew 7). They include that you will also be judged. When you are tough on your husband, God will use the same measuring stick on you. Even before the final Judgment, people around you will be harder on you if you have a harsh, critical spirit.

4. Get off his back.

Many things that bug you about your husband may be good things to correct. You may be saying, "He needs a mother." If you do convince him to change, an unhealthy dependency will result just as when we never cut the apron strings with our children. If he happens to be irresponsible, release him to suffer the consequences just as we eventually do with our kids. There may even be areas of definite sin you feel obligated as his wife to correct. The Holy Spirit has not delegated these assignments to you. Your nagging about, for example, his lack