Chapter Nineteen

Being a Dad that Can Reconnect with His Kids

 

My brother was ready to graduate from College.  I was married off and had my own life and career.  While we still communicated with Dad often, usually by e-mail, the relationship with our Dad had changed dramatically.  No longer was he the constant presence in our lives of advice and reason.  His voice of wisdom came only in bursts from time to time when something larger (like in the last chapter) came to a head.  And even in those moments I noticed something more like peer-advice from him.  His comments were always laced with a pride in “how we turned out” and they made me think that he considered his job as a Dad done.  He had raised us, and more or less he had done a good job.  Now he spent a lot more effort on his work and his personal interests and hobbies.  I even noticed that he talked about himself a lot more—our conversations often revolved around his life changes more often than mine.

This was a very large change to become accustomed to at first.  Dad wasn’t much acting like Dad anymore.  As most kids do, I distanced myself from my parents a bit in my teen years, seeking to be an individual and find out my own way in life.  In this process I didn’t rebel against my Dad, but I certainly didn’t go seeking him out all the time.  Now that I reached my early twenties I found him doing a similar thing to me.  It was like he had resigned the daily task of fathering and sent me on my way.  Dropped like a juvenile bird out of the next.

 

The Right Time to Reconnect

Of course this was perfectly natural and actually already started by my own distancing.  It did, however, make me begin to think about that relationship.  Who would be my mentors now?  Who would I go to for advice?  Who would fill that role in my life now?

Then Dad e-mailed my brother and me and informed us that we’d now be taking Father-Son trips every other year together.  He’d foot the entire bill—travel, food, hotels, rental car, etc.  Whatever we did would be his treat.  My brother and I agreed without thinking about it long.  And so began our Drury tradition of a Father-Sons trip every other year.  We would do things such as canoe a portion of the Swanee River together, or scale Ben-Nevis, the highest peak in the British Isles, and bum around Scotland together.  During these trips Dad started to treat my brother and I like something completely new: fully-grown men and his peers.  He knew that Being Dad means letting go of his kids at the right time, and then reconnecting with them at the right time too.

 

A Best Friend

And so we became like best friends instead of just Dad and Son.  Because of his effort to re-connect with us as peers after our time of independence we became friends.  Now I don’t feel the need to run to Daddy with every problem I’ve got—even though he is still one of my mentors and advisors along the way.  Instead I call him up like I’d call up many of my friends.  We joke and converse like pals.  Without any words at all he gave me the sense that I was on my own and I could handle it.  I was a man—not just a young man—a full-fledged adult man.  In many ways—it was the first feeling of arrival in my life.  It wasn’t about a process he was working in me anymore.  I had arrived as a man and his peer at last.

 

Let’s think through the following idea:

“Being Dad means letting go of kids at the right time, and then reconnecting with them at the right time too.”

How will I know the right time for both?

 

 

Chapter Twenty

Being a Dad that Knows His Changing Role

 

Soon after moving to Boston with my wife came the obligatory visit from my Dad and Mom.  My wife and I talked with them on the phone and planned their visit—discussing such seemingly trivial things as sleeping arrangements.  In that conversation Dad made it clear that in no way were we allowed to give up our bed for them.  They would sleep on the floor, and that was the end of it.

Later during their visit I asked Dad why that was the case.  Why make such a big deal about it, I wondered.  It’s just a bed.  Dad told me that it wasn’t.  It was our first bed.  It was our first home.  It was our place, not his (even though much of the furniture was taken by me from his house, of course).  He mentioned that whenever his parents visited them they would commandeer the master bedroom, his Dad would sit in the biggest-best chair and then his mom would do the same to the kitchen—as though they ruled the roost.  He turned around this trend, and said that it was not their role to be anything more than polite guests in our home, living under our rules.

 

King of the Castle

Later on I read a book in which the author made it clear that Being Dad meant knowing that “No man can be the King of his child’s castle.”  That was the same principle that drove Dad to his dogmatic position in sleeping arrangements.  He wanted it to be clear that they respected our space and our possessions and our home.  And he must have drilled Mom on it too because it was the first time she never cooked a thing over a reunion weekend in my lifetime.  Just as our home was my castle my wife’s kitchen was hers to operate the way she liked even with mother-in-law in the picture.

Dad understood that even if we didn’t yet.  I came to realize over time how much freedom and pride came in having “my own place” that was my own responsibility.  Even if something broke it was my job to fix it.  Dad would only fix something or suggest something to fix if I asked him to.  Now that takes discipline for a father!

 

What do you think about the following idea?

“Being Dad means knowing that no man can be the King of his child’s castle.”

What other ways can a Dad make sure to do this right?

 

Chapter Twenty-One

Being a Dad that Becomes a Graceful Grandfather

 

Having grandchildren is a vastly different experience for a woman than it is for a man.  When they find out their daughter or daughter-in-law is pregnant, a woman usually thinks, if not says, “I’m not old enough to be a grandmother!”  Some men may think the same of their impending grand-fatherhood, but more likely than not they’ll first think, “heh, heh, heh, now let’s see how you deal with being a Dad, buddy!”  Beyond this devious pleasure in knowing that you can spoil your grandkids while changing no diapers and never having to get up in the night with a crying baby, new Grandfathers also have the kinds of feelings my Dad told me about.

Dad said that this was the natural way of things… and that his job being my Dad was really mostly done now.  He was a grandpa now as much or more than a father.  He understood that Being Dad means raising your kids to be good Dads or Moms themselves.  He couldn’t in 25 minutes give me 25 years of advice to prepare me for fathering the little baby my wife was carrying.  He had to depend on the 25 years he spent raising me… with the dubious thought that I would likely do the same things for his grandkids that he had done for me.  That concept is one that encouraged my Dad—because he knew he had prepared me all he could, and modeled what it meant to be Dad.  It is a concept that should encourage all of us.  It should drive us to live every day in a way that we would have our children live some day—because they more often than not will.

 

The Fruit of an Apple Tree

Do you know what the fruit of an apple tree is?   If you’re like most people, you might respond, nearly indignant, that it is an apple, of course.  But is that the ultimate fruit of an apple tree?  What happens after that first fruit—an apple—falls to the ground?  Well, if the conditions are right a new apple tree grows in that spot.  So then you might say that the fruit of an apple tree is yet another apple tree, right?  You might compare that to a father (like the tree) who has a child (like the apple)—and that child grows into a fully mature adult (another tree).  However, that’s not the end of the story, is it?  Does an apple tree only have one apple on it?  Does that new tree that is planted stop the chain?  No.  Life continues on in an exponential growth process.  Over time and in the right conditions, the final fruit of even just one apple tree can be an orchard!  So that is our answer.

Your child is that first fruit in your life, but in the end your legacy will be an orchard.  Who knows how many lives will flow from yours even if you have just one child.  The ancient Abraham, who had only one child with his wife Sarah, ended up with such a multitude of children that God described them as the “sand on the seashore” or the “stars in the sky” when promising them to him.  Today his Jewish and Arab descendants fill the lands of the Middle East and are spread throughout the world.  While you may not be like “father Abraham,” if you have at least one child you have just as much potential as he had to leave a legacy to your orchard.  When a Dad becomes a grandpa, things are just getting started.

 

Let’s think about this statement:

“Being Dad means raising your kids to be good Dads or Moms themselves.”

Will my kids make good parents?  How will I make sure they are?

 

 

So, Now what?

           

So what?  So I have a great Dad.  So there are a lot of great principles we can learn from my stories about growing up with an intentional, fun, interesting, and fully devoted father.  So what?  What do you do about it?  Here’s what:

 

1. Don’t finish reading this book. 

If you’re like most guys, you won’t have a problem with this.  Some of the chapters bored you to death.  You started reading others while watching the playoffs of something and didn’t remember a thing.  If you’re like most guys you likely skipped chapters that didn’t relate to you yet or are too far in your past to interest you now.  Who knows?  But even if you’re an over-achiever and read every word, don’t finish this book.  Set it somewhere easily accessible and the next time you find yourself in a Being Dad Problem, pull this out and look over the chapter list and try to apply the Being Dad principle at the end of each chapter to your situation.  If you have trouble connecting with your spiritual side and telling your kids about it—read chapter 5.  If you need to start teaching your kids about money—read chapter 8.  If you have a death in the family and don’t know how to treat the kids about it—read chapter 13.  If you’re older kid has a critical decision to make and you’re not sure what or how much to say—read chapter 18.  You get the picture.  It’s not like there aren’t other ways to get help on those issues, but you (or maybe your wife) already bought the book, so you might as well get your money’s worth.

 

2. Breaking the cycle is simpler than it seems

If you feel like you can’t get started on the path to being the Dad you want to be don’t be discouraged.  No matter how bad or absent or strange of a Dad you had the cycle can be broken.  You can start off anew.  And while it might not be easy, it is simpler than it seems.  You don’t have to change everything about yourself overnight.  You just have to take it one day, then one year, at a time.  Don’t worry about whether you’ll be able to handle your kids as teenagers if they are still in diapers.  Just worry about the day ahead of you and being the Dad you want to be today.  Tomorrow has enough worries for itself.  If you take just that first step then in fact the cycle is already broken, just stick with it.

 

3. Talk with other Dads

Get together with another Dad or two or even a group and ask yourselves the questions at the end of each chapter.  You don’t really need to re-read all the chapters.  Just discuss the issues.  You’ll learn a lot more from other Dads and what they’re doing or not doing than you will just analyzing yourself.  And this kind of honest talk gives you the confidence to realize that you are already doing a good job—and just need to, as my father always said, “Keep on keeping on!”  I did just that with a group of 4 or 5 other Dads my age, going through the very chapters here in this book and asking the very questions I wrote.  It was a help to us all.  While we Dads met all our children played together in the McDonalds play gym while we casually chatted—giving our wives a break from watching them at the same time.  You could do the same with a group of guys in your garage, church or small group.  But trust me: going at Being Dads together is better than going it alone.

 

4. Let your family know you’re working on it

Be honest that you’re trying to be a great Dad but are still a work in progress.  Let your wife or other supporters know first, so they can support you in the process.  And then when you make a mistake, be real about it with your kids and let them know you want to continue being a better Dad (read chapter 3 again if this still sounds nearly as bad as fingernails on a chalkboard).  You’d be surprised at the slack your kids may give you once they flat out realize that you’re trying really hard (without it becoming an excuse for never getting better, of course).

 

5. Read other things to help

Wild at Heart

A Man Called Daddy

Websites

Iron John/Maiden King/Sibling Society

Organizations

Others

 

(Add to list and insert images of the books and notations on their usefulness)

 

6. Pray

            As I mentioned in the preface, you’ll never fully be the father you want to be if you don’t come to grips with your heavenly Father.  Jesus Christ is the way to get connected to God and if you pray to Him for help and guidance along the way there is nothing He’d rather do more.  Let God be your Father in Heaven, and he’ll equip you to be the best father on earth your kids could ever hope for.  Have fun being Dad!

 

 

 

©2004 David Drury

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