Sex & the Single
Minister
By Keith Drury with Paul Kind
There is
plenty written about sexual
temptation for married ministers but far less is focused on sex and the single
minister. With more college students
delaying marriage for several years after graduation from college or seminary
some words for single ministers are also needed. Sexual indiscretion for the single minister
can be an exit from the ministry just like a married minister—but the situation
is somewhat different and deserves being addressed directly.
1. Some offenses are the same for single as well as married
ministers. Obviously if you are caught
visiting a prostitute, getting an erotic massage, or addicted to porn you are
in deep trouble. This is the same for married or single ministers. One difference for married ministers is they
have a live-in accountability partner who asks, “Where have you been?” and can
check your Internet wandering or note what you load into your DVD at night.
This is why many single ministers plan a system of accountability for their
whereabouts, their movie rentals, and Internet use. Internet monitoring
software, such as Covenant Eyes are invaluable.
2. Use extra care with minors.
Getting involved with a minor is equally serious for a single or married
minister, but if you are single, people are a tad bit more watchful, maybe even
suspicious. Make sure there is a witness present when you are with a minor of
either gender. Being inappropriately involved with an adult can get you kicked
out of the ministry. Being involved
inappropriately with a minor can get you locked up in prison for years. Both
are sin, but involvement with a minor has a jail sentence. By “minor” we are
including 16 year olds with a crush on you, not just children.
3. Single ministers don’t date people
in their church.
This is not a sexual matter but an ethical one.
Like all professionals in positions of power relative to their clients
(professors, therapists, etc.) you can’t get intimate with your congregants.
This is not merely an ethical matter but has legal implications for your church
and denomination if the relationship goes sour and they decide to go to
court. This can be difficult for the
single minister because people in the church will constantly try to fix you up
with any available singles around the church.
Set your limits clearly in the beginning and stick to them. You might
get away with abusing this ethical imperative, but you could also wind up in
court for abusing your power and authority and the settlement could cost
millions by the time it is finished.
Therapists don’t date their clients; ministers don’t either. Smile and tell this to the sweet old ladies
trying to fix you up. (This whole ethical policy brings another great problem
for single ministers—where to find other singles…we will address that later)
4. Establish high standards for
dating. If you are a minister you must behave sexually
toward your dates in a way that you are willing to have reported all over your
congregation—especially after you’ve broken up.
When tempted to “go too far” imagine how this would sound when reported
later among your church members.. People in your church do not expect their
minister to be involved in heavy petting—even if she/he is single. If you had a lower standard as a college
student you will need to raise them once you are in the ministerial profession. And don’t think dating a person from another
city will keep it all private. Reports
of “What we did” almost always get back to the minister’s home church.
5. Accept singleness but seek
marriage if you want. Learn to be comfortable with your
singleness—Jesus was. Sex is not so
vital that a human must have it.
Sexual relations are not an entitlement.
A partner in your life is not so essential that you will be a partial
person without marriage. The only
partial people are married people (i.e. the “two became one”) so accept your singleness as a
gift. However, if you want to be
married, “Seek and you shall find.”
While many imagine God as their personal cupid scurrying about arranging
marriages, He may not be as absorbed with your future spouse selection as you
are. If you want a spouse seek one. Put yourself in the place where you might
find one. You can’t bar hop to find
available singles, but there are places you can find others singles. Go there.
Some single ministers attend singles groups in larger churches nearby or
attend singles conferences. Others do
volunteer work. Still others have been lucky using online matchmaking services. But the majority of single ministers find
their spouse in their past—someone from college or seminary, even sometimes a
person from their home church high school years. This is why graduating seniors keep email
addresses of other students or reconnect via MySpace. This is why a few years after graduation many
write back to their professors asking where other students are now (“and send
their email to me OK?”). When they link up, a new group of post-graduate
friendships often emerge—some married and others single. The group of five or seven
friends fly to
So what do you
think?
During the first few weeks after posting you can respond to this column and read other responses.
By Paul Kind with Keith Drury