Five Styles of Grandparenting
There is no one-style-fits-all approach to grandparenting
any more than there is a single style of marriage or parenting that fits all
couples. Couples work out their own styles of marriage just like grandparents
work out their roles as grandparents. In the seminal study[1] of grandparenting in 1964 five
styles were posed that have become a sort of taxonomy describing how
grandparents relate to their grandchildren. There are basically five styles of
grandparenting: Which style best describes your
own grandparents?
1.
Formal
The formal
grand parent plays their role from a distance. Formal grandparents consider
themselves more as parents than grandparents. They parent their own adult
children first and only act as grandparents because their kids have kids. They
sometimes say to their adult children (or more commonly to themselves), “I took
my turn raising you—I’m your parent,
not your kids’ parent.” Grandchildren often see this kind of grandparent as
distant icons and they get their information on them from stories their own
parents tell. The model (good or bad) these grandparents become to their
grandchildren depends on the stories and descriptions the grandchildren hear
from their own parents.
2.
Playmate
The
playmate grandparent interacts with the grandchildren for fun. They say, “Let’s
bake cookies together” or “Wanna’ go shoot some birds with the B-B gun?” They
don’t worry about “spoiling” their grandkids with extravagant gifts and
expensive experiences. Men are slightly more inclined to this style than women.
The playmate grandparent doesn’t feel responsible for how the grandchildren are
turning out. They may even prod them to do naughty things their parents have to
correct. The playmate grandfather might teach a nine year old to drive a car or
shoot a shotgun. They invite their grandkids over for a weekend and sometimes
their parents tremble at what the kids will come home and report. Grandchildren
see these grandparents as far more fun then their parents.
3.
Ghost
The ghost
grandparent seldom shows up though occasionally makes an “apparition.”
Sometimes it is because of physical miles, sometimes it is due to personal
choice, and sometimes the parent chooses to eliminate the grandparents from the
life of their grandchildren. The Ghost is like a formal grandparent in being
largely uninvolved in the lives of their grandchildren but they are even less
involved than formal grandparents. Formal grandparents might often visit the
children, but relate mostly with their own children—the parents of their
grandkids. The grandchildren see the ghost grandparent as a distant shadowy
figure—people who show up occasionally in their life but they only understand
their role vaguely. In the original study one in five males had this style and
only slightly fewer females.[2]
4.
Surrogate
The
surrogate grandparent acts like a parent when they are with their
grandchildren. They feel responsible for how the grandkids turn out so they
intervene with correction and discipline and help “bring them up right.” They
believe “it takes the whole family to bring up a child.” Surrogates might have a regular schedule of
caring for the grandkids and consider it their job to reward good behavior and
punish unacceptable behavior just like they did with their own kids. They may
offer generous advice to the parents of their grandkids. In the original study
one out of ten grandparents acted in the surrogate role, though I think this
style may be more common today.
5.
Sage
The sage
grandparent is a Yoda—they are there when needed for consultation and advice if the grandchild comes to them. They
interact with the grandchildren when invited but seldom initiate. If the grandkid asks, they respond, but
seldom intervene on their own. Grandparents who took other roles when the
grandchildren were little often adopt this role by the time their grandchildren
are in college. The sage grandparent who is a Christian prays daily for their
grandchildren and sends notes saying so, then stands by for a time when the
grandchild comes to ask for advice. When they do, the sage offers the “long
view” on things to their grandchildren. The sage grandparent is sometimes
mistaken for a ghost.
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So, if these are the five basic
approaches to
grandparenting, who decides which
role grandparents should take? The grandparents themselves? The parents? The
children? Or some negotiated family decision? Which kind might you prefer
yourself when you become a grandparent? What situations arise when you have no
choice at all but the “situation” forces you to adopt one or another of these
styles? Does the church have any role in
helping grandparents like it does in
helping parents? Which kind of grandparenting did you experience?
So what do you think?
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