This is an email I received last
week from one of my students. I have decided to post it as a column for your
responses (with her permission). What
would you say to Christy? –Keith Drury
Response
to….
Is Marriage Worse for Women than Men
By Christina Banker
I've been thinking a lot lately about something you posted on your writings last semester (in October-ish) regarding post-graduate, married women losing their drive.
I think this loss of drive and sparkle is a multi-layered issue.
1) Education is an idealistic pursuit that does not
necessarily prepare us to fit in the boxes we create.
In many ways my educational experiences prepare me to achieve unrealistic work and future expectations. As long as I am a student I can achieve and dream and learn new theory. I can guide my own educational experience as I select classes that interest and excite me. In a sense, I create a bubble of passion around myself. My world is largely my own and of my own making. I am mentally stimulated by thoughts regarding areas of intense passion. The so called "real world" is not the same utopia we now live in. Suddenly I have jobs that require me to do things I like and don't like. The theories and ideas I learned and hoped to implement are difficult to impossible to enact. Few jobs allow for and/or encourage the intense level of growth encouraged, even required in the educational process. Our majors are tailored to introduce us to and prepare us for a specific job or set of jobs. The preparation we receive does not always align with the jobs available. Yes, you must take the good and the bad of a job – but you must be prepared to face this reality post-graduation.
The world is largely made of boxes in which you are expected to fit. I've already noticed within this very educational institution a staunch opposition to defying the routine. I have over 175 credit hours in psychology, sociology, education, religion, Christian education, biblical literature, recreation management, music, English, writing, criminology, intercultural studies, business, etc. More than once I have been questioned regarding my reasoning for enrolling in particular classes.
In fact, in one class (the only class I ever received a mid-term report ) I was told to withdraw as it was not my major and was asked why I was in the class. No matter what I did, I received B’s and C’s in the class. I worked hard, memorized every bit of information for the last test and set the curve only to have the prof decide some of the questions were wrong after the individuals in the major complained. My grade dropped to a C. After all – as a non-major, I didn’t belong and did not have the comprehensive picture of program.
I had a class in which the prof did not teach according to the course description because this class, although interdisciplinary was required of only one major and that major “didn’t need to understand all the concepts so only that which was pertinent to the major was covered.” I did not fit the box that professor built for the class. My perspective is one in which a class, regardless of its make-up is to teach the individuals as much as possible, as thoroughly as possible, about a particular subject. Likewise, while I believe jobs must be specific and clear in requirements, considerations of the chosen employee’s strengths should be considered – especially in the church. A job posting should describe the need in the church and the candidates should show how they can satisfy that need.
My greatest fear regarding my upcoming graduation is that I will never have the opportunity to use my educational experiences in a way that fully utilizes my passions, gifts, talents, and ideas. We choose courses of study that we are passionate about only to realize more often than not there are few to no jobs that allow use to utilize that which we learned fully. Quite simply, the "real world" falls drastically short of educational ideals.
2) Educational process
does not accurately match occupational process.
Too often jobs detail how to do a job in greater detail than needed rather than describing the job that needs to be done. Our education has always involved a project description (e.g., write a 10-12 page paper on Global Warming) whereas jobs are often presented in steps (look this idea up in this book, writing in this way, with this font, at this time, using these words, and present it like this). We learn to find a process to achieve a desired result in class, but are taught to do a process that does not necessarily connect with any clear result in the workplace. “Do this…” “Why?” “Because that’s what we do.”
We teach individuals processes, steps to follow one after the other. We cut the creativity and individuality out of work. We take people from free-thinking, passionate, creative beings and turn them into programmed drones. When individuals don’t think, they don’t grow, when they don’t grow, they wither and die – yielding amotivation (i.e., no motivation).
3) Others are not
always prepared for or open to ideas and changes presented by recent graduates
who are often classified as “idealistic.”
I often find myself frustrated in jobs. I have always been a fixer. If something isn’t working or could work better, I want to work toward that end. I have ideas. Unfortunately, I’m often the low man on the totem pole. My ideas don’t matter. Nothing is more frustrating to me than a problem that I can see has a clear solution, but I don’t have the ability or permission to implement it.
Granted, my experience is limited. But what little I have has shown me how my church, my jobs, my family and friends could benefit from what I have learned - yet they are largely closed to the idea of changes. "We've done it this way for blah blah blah eons and you just have theory." "You are certainly idealistic." "That may work in A but not in B." (as if they'd even tried) "We tried that before and it didn't work" (really they tossed up a half-hearted attempt at something that sounded vaguely like you said, didn't follow through, and wondered what happened - now they are "burnt out")
I’m already tired of being told I’m idealistic or a dreamer,
that it’s obvious I’m a college student because I still hold to ideals. I
don’t want my spirit to be broken, to become like the average ho-hum just did
the laundry and paid the bills and it’s good enough for me adult. We lack
strong woman role models. Rather than
encouragement I am threatened by the looming “spirit breaker.” Is it better just to give up now? Or do I live forever with this fear of
pending normalcy? Al life with broken
spirit, of normalcy is more frightening to me than death. To live and to never achieve, to never grow,
is not to live at all.
I noticed a change from high school to college and see it
coming up from college to post-graduate. You lose your platform.
When I was in high school, I preached on several occasions in the church.
I led small groups, played my violin in the worship time, worked on service
projects, coordinated events, wrote and acted in dramas. When I entered
college, no one called me to help. I haven’t preached. I don’t lead
a small group, even though I would love to do so. I’ve played my violin
twice in four years. If there are service opportunities I certainly don’t
hear much about them. I feel cut off. Why when I was seventeen am I
able to preach to the entire congregation on a Sunday morning and now, at 22
cannot speak to a Sunday School class? Why do we
listen to youth, but ignore the young adult version?
The patronizing pat on the head and it’s
okay attitude of boring, unmotivated adults infuriates me. How do I make
a way for myself in a world that labels me naive, idealistic, and incapable. I bow to the authority of teachers and
employers who know less than I do and are less capable, yet my age prevents my
words from meaning anything to them. High school allows you four years to
build up seniority and make a name for yourself – college the same
opportunity. When you enter the “real world” you are a freshman all over
again, only this freshman year is more like 10 or 20 years.
4) Structure shuts
the woman out as confusion persists about the biblical roles of women.
Typical structure, especially in the church places older
over younger and men over women. Married goes over single, but in the
marriage the man is over the woman. I am actually familiar with a
church in which only men are invited to attend meetings. The men then
tell their wives and children what is necessary. Where does a single
woman fit in this set up? What does that say about the position of women?
What role can women have
in church leadership?
When I was 17 I felt God called me into ministry – not to be
a pastor per-se, but ministry none-the-less. I took Women’s Role in
Religion then. I questioned people about what they thought about women in
church leadership. I was told incredible things.
1) Women can teach
children and youth only.
2) Women can be in leadership
roles behind the scenes, that is, they should not be
seen.
3) Women can be pastors,
but not senior pastors.
4) Women can’t be pastors
at all.
5) Women can be pastors,
but I (the particular individual(s)) would not attend a
church in which
they were in leadership.
6) Women can’t be pastors,
but you (Christy) can be. (note – I wasn’t sure how to
take this response…aren’t I a woman?).
These findings terrified me. I can’t believe that
there comes an age at which I can no longer teach you. 1) Is it even logical to
say that you were 17 yesterday and teachable, but today you are 18 and,
therefore, I am no longer able to teach you? No – but many people still
say it. 2) Is it logical to say that you can do the work, pour yourself into
it, but don’t let anyone know that you did it? No – but yet some have the
audacity to posit such a fact. If I am capable enough to do the work,
then it can be known that I did it. I will not hide myself because I am a
woman. 3) Is it logical to distinguish
between a senior and associate pastor? Is a pastor not a pastor? 5)
Is it logical to say that you believe God can ordain women pastors, but to
refuse to attend a church with a woman pastor? Yes God, you can do it –
but I won’t have any part of it? What else are we willing to believe God
can do but ignore? Don’t even get me started on point 6. Women
can’t, but Christy can. You can’t say that I’m the exception to the rule
and only me. This kind of thought is
representative of denial. Either I can’t
be a pastor or women can be. You can’t
disqualify the broader category into which I fit and mark out a place for
me.
Even those churches that claim to accept women in leadership
often fall short. They may, for instance
have seven male elders and the lone female is called a “caregiver.” Women certainly can’t be called elder. They say women can be pastors, but how many
women ushers have you seen? Am I to
believe that you would allow me to preach before you would allow me to pass the
offering plate and show you to your seat?
We tell our little
girls they can be anything they want to be and do anything they want to do,
except dedicate their lives to serving God in church leadership. I pray that some day my daughter will not
face the inner-turmoil associated with a desire to take on the leadership role
to which God has called her. I long for
a world in which I am not forced to feel that my desire to dedicate myself to
Christ’s calling is a sin, that I must choose between
obedience to God and compliance with the church.
The controversy frightens me. On the one hand, I know
that God calls me. I can’t believe that God won’t let me know Him as my
brother knows Him. I would sooner believe in no God at all than a God who
keeps me farther away from Him because of my body type, because I’m
female. If I am to understand that the only mediator needed is Christ,
then I cannot accept that I need a man to talk to Christ to connect me to
God. On the other hand, how can I take a role in the church that divides
it?
Women are confused about what it means to submit to your
husband and to be a helpmate.
I have struggled since I was 12 with the issue of
marriage. At age 16 I first wrestled with the idea that I would not
marry. Now, I am somewhat terrified to marry. I don’t want to
submit my life, my dreams, my ideas to the will of
another being. God has called me to great things. Sometimes I view
a man as a hindrance.
To marry is to be viewed forever as the helpmate. Your
husband can sit around, do nothing and still be acknowledged for your
work. How many men do you actually see in the kitchen at the “Men’s Fish
Fry?” I don’t want to stand behind my husband, working and toiling only
to have him acknowledged and I ignored. I love the image of being a
helpmate, but does that mean he’s always in the driver’s seat? When you
marry you are viewed as a couple. The man for some inexplicable, cultural
reason is the driving force and you are the helper. The man can branch out, break into new
territories and you can follow him, but a woman is never to pull to far ahead.
I am afraid to marry because I’m afraid to lose
myself. I see it in my friends when the date and marry. To be fully
independent is to be fully me – even somewhat selfish with my time and
commitments. To commit to another person is to commit to their interest
and their commitments. To consider another more is to consider self
less. Women are in general more sacrificial. Perhaps a life of putting
others before oneself sets them up to sacrifice all their dreams on their
husband’s altar.
I have dreams and ambitions. I am very dominant, a
leader. I am driven. My understanding of submission puts some
reigns on my drive. I don’t believe that a man should make more money, be
more educated, or even lead over a woman all the time. At the same time,
though, I still have a longing to be led. How do I balance my
relationship with my husband and my drive? To follow my heart and calling
is to oppose common church doctrine and belief. To step up and lead is to
face opposition and cause divide. To be a female in leadership is to take
a lonely path. To quietly submit to commonalty, to fall into “normalcy”
and low achievement is more acceptable and easier than fighting the world.
Concluding Thoughts…
Here’s the short list:
1) Education is an idealistic pursuit that does
not necessarily prepare us to fit in the boxes we create.
(i.e., what we thought it would be and what it really is are two
different things)
2) Educational process does not accurately match
occupational process. (i.e., what I was prepared to do and what is
expected of me do not align)
3) Others are not always prepared for or open to ideas
and changes presented by recent graduates who are often classified as
“idealistic.” (i.e., finding a powerful voice in a resistant
world is difficult to impossible)
4) Structure shuts the woman out as confusion
persists about the biblical roles of women (i.e., prevailing church beliefs
place women in a position to sacrifice themselves and underachieve or face
hell, fire, and brimstone)
To desire to maintain my own passions and pursue my desires
or to seek equality or, God-forbid, leadership in a marriage transforms you
into a feminist and heretic. Until the church determines its stance on
women in ministry, even in voluntary ministry, and its understanding of
marriage roles, women will forever be trapped somewhere between achieving their
dreams, thereby fulfilling their calling, and doing what is expected of
them.
On a personal level, life after graduation is terrifying. What if I don't reach my fullest potential? What if I have to "settle" to "make ends meet?" What if I never marry? What if I do marry? Does that mean the end of my dreams? How can I reconcile my desires and other's expectations? What do you do when your understanding of God and His will seems to go against the church? Can following God's call in your life make you face opposition and/or division?
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So, what would you say to Christy?
During
the first few weeks click here to comment or read
comments
Christy Banker,