Chapter Eleven

Being a Dad that Makes Disciples Out of His Kids

Christians these days talk a lot about what we call “The Great Commission.” The last words of Jesus Christ before he ascended into heaven amount to a job description for we Christians on earth before he returns. The core of it involves the process of going and making disciples of all nations. This is a noble goal. This is a legitimate priority. I’ll step out on a limb here and say that Jesus was right.

The problem is that we’re awful at actually doing this. We know this is true. That’s why we talk about it so much. Christians nearly always talk the most about things we do the least. I suspect the problem lies not in programming or relevance or even intentions. Our churches today are the best ever. The 20^th century may be the most culturally relevant times for the church in history. The amount of evangelistic books, messages, and movements has never been more prolific than today. Then why are we still so feeble at this chief goal of “making disciples?” I suggest it is because we haven’t even learned to do it with our own kids, whom we know better than anyone. How then, can we hope to transfer that process to other people?

The Beef Station

Only a quarter-mile down the road from our house in Marion, Indiana there was an old gas station which had been converted into the dank, dingy and somehow legendary “Beef Station.” The big red bull on the discolored plastic sign lured few newcomers to the place. Most that eat at The Beef Station are regulars. Truckers and farmers know where the good food is. They also know where there’s enough smoke and mustiness to keep away the Yuppies. The Beef Station was just such a destination. For two or three years after our momentous trip to Israel, Dad and I would go to breakfast once a week at this memorable eating establishment. Dad would get his black coffee and I would get my home fries with extra ketchup, and then it would happen.

It was these breakfasts that taught how to be a Christian man, not just do the things a Christian does. It was then that I learned the principles of the New Testament. It was that day of the week that I collected countless napkin diagrams that simplified life’s spiritual principles with everyday “real” language. It was there that I first heard the inner confessions of a father that was beginning to treat me like a man, even a peer. It was those mornings in which I was first discipled. We even called this time our “discipleship meetings.” My father knew that being Dad is discipling your kids is the priority of your week.

Dad discipled me the entire time I lived under his roof, but those intentional mornings together were the Boot camp of my journey into spiritual maturity. Let’s examine ten principles of discipling our kids that I learned from my own discipleship years with my Dad:

1. Making disciples out of our kids is important enough to schedule – If we have our weekly staff meeting in the day planner then this should be in there too. If we never miss coffee with the guys on Saturday morning or bowling on Thursday nights then we should never miss this one either. We talk a lot about our priorities, here’s a place to prove them.
2. We can’t fill our kids up if we’re not full ourselves – It will be tough to think about investing spiritually in our kids if we are not spiritually vibrant ourselves. As our children come to discipling age (11-16 years old) we need to do everything in our power to have others invest in us and disciple us so that we can pass along that overflowing love and simple knowledge of God. And even those of us as Dads that don’t know the Lord want our kids to. So this is a good time for us to get right so that we can get our kids right. We know what to do; we might just need this motivation to start down the right path.
3. There are only weak substitutes for actually spending time – this is not just quality time, it is quantity time. We shouldn’t squeeze these meetings in; we should schedule around them and look forward to them.
4. One-on-one is the only way to go to show how important our kids are to us – this is no time to cop out by inviting other people to join us, or even to do it with the rest of the family. They will feel the importance of the time if it’s soul-to-soul, just Dad and the kid.
5. By applying the Bible our kids will see its value for life – Living a biblical life is more caught than taught, and kids imitate the way their Dads use the Bible in their daily lives. These meetings are the prime time to make this happen. This doesn’t mean you have to learn to preach, in fact, it’s just the opposite: share the Bible with them on a very simple practical level.
6. We are making them disciples of Jesus Christ, not of ourselves – Some of us might try to use these meetings to build up some shrine to our own spirituality and personality. We have not truly discipled our kids until they no longer think of us when they think of God. We must point them to the cross, not hang ourselves on it.
7. Kids learn better through our humble efforts than our vain fakery – They see right through us when we try to fake things spiritually. If we instead try to open up and even express our insecurities spiritually, they may express their own fears and questions and hurts. Then we will be able to grow together with our children as we guide them.
8. Being ourselves is the best way to help them be themselves – We cannot show them anything but who we are in God. It may not be a pretty thing, but it will impact them greatly just in the process. We shouldn’t focus on the content or level of our spiritual lives; we must focus on the process of our investment.
9. Giving homework for both ourselves and our kids can help drive the following meeting – Simple and easy-to-complete things to do before the next meeting keeps the subject matter in the mind throughout the week as well as providing content for the next time we meet with our kids.
10. Cover the tough issues as much as the easy ones – These meetings are the best time to cover the issues of sex, sin, hate, drugs, fear of death, the existence of God, racism, etc. How many of us have struggled to find the right time to bring these things up, or even worse, were ambushed with an issue when we were unprepared. We can let them know a week ahead of time that we’re discussing a tough issue, and then we have to make it happen.

Let’s spend some time praying about this quote:

“Being Dad is discipling your kids as the priority of your week.”

When and where will I begin our discipleship meetings?

Chapter Twelve

Being a Dad that Makes Parables Out of Work

At times I felt like it was my father’s mission in life to never let me sleep past 8:00 am on a weekend. Every Saturday of my life, it seems, a knock would sound on my door and it was time to head out and do some work with Dad. It didn’t matter if we were digging a ditch or renovating a house, things always followed a simple formula: Dad and I would sweat in the sun working, my brother was the designated tool-fetcher, and every job would reach a moment of teaching.

The most memorable “work parable” of all came whenever we were using a handsaw to cut a piece of wood. I would try to cut it and the jagged blade would catch and jump and wobble and do everything but cut the wood. Dad would then gently say, “Son, let the saw do the work.” I believe I heard that phrase from him more than 1,000 times in my life. Interestingly, only about half of those times came while actually using a saw. The other times were moments where the handsaw parable on patience applied, and it would help me through. If I just relaxed and slowly pushed and pulled the saw, the tool would cut the wood, rather than me cutting the wood.

These simple work parables weren’t original to my Dad. Guess whom he heard them from? You got it: his Dad. I believe every Dad has these little words of wisdom to give, and being creative and constant in delivering them makes the difference in passing on our wisdom to our kids. Creativity in expressing them enables our kids to remember the words of wisdom. Constancy in applying them to life enables our kids to live by the words of wisdom.

Let’s spend some time thinking of our own words of wisdom:

“Being Dad is lacing life with words of wisdom for your kids.”

What are some things I want to teach my kids?

Chapter Thirteen

Being a Dad that Deals with Death

In just a matter of weeks they both died. Grandpa had been ill for years… expected to not live long. Amputated legs, lost kidneys, heart ready to quit: these things don’t make you expect a long life for an old man. But Grandpa was so bright and alive in mind and spirit. He just didn’t quit -- until one of his two sons died. My Dad’s only sibling, my uncle, had a massive heart-attack at just 50 years of age. He died so suddenly and tragically that I know several non-family members who were permanently shaken by it. Grandpa must have been shaken most because his heart soon thereafter quit like his demeanor made us think it never would.

A man in his forties searches for his legacy. He sees the men that shaped him fade into What Is Next and looks to make his own mark. Dad turned forty the year grandpa and my uncle died. His identity as a man was shaken as he dealt with death firsthand. More importantly, he came to grips with his own eventual death, and it marked him. A man must be marked before making a mark in the world—even if that mark extends no farther than children.

Life and Death

Dealing with death is not easy for men. It is less easy for fathers. As men, we have a tough enough time with the insecurity the subject generates. As fathers we must also deal with the position our own death would put our children in. The father factor makes the untenable idea of death a horrifying subject not brought up on purpose.

Dad dealt with these deaths by leaving a greater legacy than he would have if they were alive today. He made his mark not in spite of death but because of it. You see, as dads we must discover quickly that we are not invincible. We must employ our mortality as the motivation for living right in the present. Dealing with death, as I’ve seen in my own father, is less about grief than it is about life. The question, “How will I live without so-and-so?” eventually transposes into “How will I live my life from now on?” We cannot simply examine other loved-one’s deaths. Examination of our lives is the crux of dealing with death as a father. Who will mourn my death? Where will my legacy be left? Why would my children grieve most? What have I entrusted to them thus far in life? Being Dad means dealing with death as a fact of life.

Let’s brood a bit about death and dying:

“Being Dad means dealing with death as a fact of life.”

How have I and my kids dealt with the issue of death?

©2004 David Drury

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